Lost in Sweden
Only one more day and then I'll be heading back to Switzerland. Sweden has been amazing and I could finally relax and sleep, sleep, sleep... I have even managed to read some books, write down some stories, visit some tourist attractions and have long walks in the countryside. The best thing were my friends coming over to Sweden! And to meet some of my relatives again.
Coming to Sweden is still very confusing to me and I'm not sure if I will ever manage to find some inner peace in this country.
On one side, it feels like coming back to my roots. I have so much in Sweden, that is important to me and that makes me belong to this place:
- My relatives: My aunt visited us this summer and I could meet my god child again (Carin, the cutest girl on Earth) and her mother, who is the daugther of the cousing of my mother (hahaha... how to you say that in English?) and of course the cousin of my mother as well, who has so many stories to tell. We have a very strong bond between us and I so much enjoy hearing about my grandfather and his adoption and how his sisters contacted him... And so on and so on...
- Our houses and the countryside/ the nature: Being there feels like being at home. I spent almost all my childhood summers in those houses and I feel very relaxed in their beautiful surroundings. It happens that I go for a walk in the forest and disappear for some hours or that I feel the urge to walk to the closest church and walk around the churchyard for a while. There is so much history and I feel like the places are talking to me, wanting to share their stories.
Then, on the other hand, when I meet Swedish people (especially young people), I feel like we are not speaking the same language (my Swedish is quite perfect :)).
Of course, I have taken over a lot from the Swedish "values/culture" of my parents. But I notice a difference between me and the Swedish people. I cannot put it into words, because it's not a matter of values or culture, but more a way of looking at things.
It's weird, because from the outside I fit. I notice how Swedish I actually look like when I'm in Sweden. But I feel like I'm wearing a costume and on the inside I'm in the wrong place.
One example was when I wanted to rent a DVD and the guy asked me for my "personnummer" (Person number). Everyone is Sweden has a number and most people know it by heart. I told him, that I didn't have a "personnummer" and he looked at me like I came from a different planet.
The guy: Everyone has a "personnummer"
Me: No, I don't have one, I live abroad.
The guy: But you are Swedish?
Me: Yes.
The guy: Then you have a "personnummer"
So I called my parents and got to know, that I actually have a "personnummer", which I gave to the guy so that I could rent the DVD.
Maybe I'm just expecting too much, but as everyone expects me to be "Swedish", it feels weird realizing that I'm not. I know that my identity is not only being "Swedish" or "Swiss" or "blond" or a "Student", but sometimes it would be easier to really know where I belong.
Carin and me
Me and Sarah, buying "modern" traditional Swedish shoes :)
posted by Sara @ 14:42
1 Comments:
Ohhhh, I love this post...I just loved the fact that someone has the same "problem" as I have...I think I really know what you mean...but i gave up thinking about it too much. I just accept my STurkiSh (Swiss, Turkish, Serbian) background as something very beautiful in my life. And I realized: I don't want to be Swiss, don't want to be Turkish, dont want to be Serbian...just pick out the nice things out of every culture and enjoy being Swedish and Swiss...:-)
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